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Jokes
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Joke Title: Punchlines With Absolutely No Context
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Date: 8/25/2006 1:01:46 AM
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Joke: “No, no, no!” said the penguin, “I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!”
“Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!”
Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!
“Mommy Mommy,” Little Johnny replied, “is that why the soufflé is burnt?”
“Tokyo?” Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!”
And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.
And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.
“Whew!” said the blonde, “I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!”
“No wait, you don’t understand,” said the fat man, “Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother’s love!”
As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.
“Yeah,” said the Scottsman, “but at least I don’t have a scented hand soap named after ME!”
As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled “EGG BEATER!”
“Isotope?” He replied, “That’s no isotope!”
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Joke Title: Daughter's Prayer
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Date: 8/25/2006 1:00:14 AM
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Joke: A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
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Joke Title: The Deacon and the Preacher
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Date: 8/25/2006 12:59:06 AM
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Joke: There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!'
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